Friday, August 15, 2008

Fight Fair- My Wrinkeled Old Ass

When I was in 4th or 5th grade, there were 5 cousins from my neighborhood who decided it would be fun to hassel me while we were waiting for school to open for the day. We were all within a year or 2 in age so we were always in fairly close proximity.

They started the hasseling by hiding my books so I would be late to class so I started keeping my books with me. Then they started pushing me around. They would get in a circle around me and push me back and forth between them. So I started staying in a group where it wasn't easy to single me out. Then they started hasseling me at recess. They would throw the softball at me rather than to the baseman or they would slide into a base and deliberately kick me or whatever.

My Mother was a member of the PTA and came to the school one morning while they were hasseling me. She had always told me not to get into fights at school and to be "nice". When she told my Dad about the Nease boys pushing me around we were at the dinner table. My Dad didn't say anything during dinner but afterward he took me out to the porch and gave me some of the best advice of my life.

My Dad told me to never be a bully and try to look tough and to never start a fight. He went on to say that if the Nease boys continued to hassel me I should defend myself and that if I couldn't avoid a fight then I should win. He made it very clear that the only way to stop a bully is to whip his ass and that that was what he expected me to do- win.

My situation was that I was being bullied by 5 boys who were about my age and size. My Dad made it clear that there is no such thing as a fair fight. If I had to defend myself the aggressor deserved what he got and that that I should pound him so bad that he would never even consider messing with me again.

I took my Dad's advice to heart. I was in the bathroom when one of the Nease boys came in alone and called me chicken shit. I didn't say a word to him I just kicked him in the nuts as hard as I could. Needless to say he wasn't able to put up much of a fight after that and I shoved his face into the urinal.

After school that day the word had gotten around about what I had done and the Nease boys were going to get even. I was scared but for some reason I looked forward to the confrontation. I walked out onto the playground and sure enough here came all 5 of the Nease boys. When they got close to me the other kids on the playground gathered around to watch me get pounded. What no one knew was that I had slipped out of the building earlier and put a broken off broom handle where I could easily get to it.

As the Nease boys got closer, I pulled the broom handle from it's hiding place and started wailing away on them . I beat the living shit out of them while they were yelling "fight fair" and while I was beating hell out of them the other kids started cheering me on. I was elated that I had support and when I finished cleaning the Nease boy's clocks I told them that I would fight all of them in a "fair fight" one at a time.

While the other kids kept the other Nease boys from jumping in I fought Ronnie. He was the ringleader and I have to say it felt good to whip his ass with my bare hands. I never had a problem with the Nease boys after that but the advice my Dad gave me has stuck with me all of my life.

I can honestly say I have never started a fight in my life but on those occassions when I couldn't avoid one "fighting fair" never occured to me. I have bitten, kicked, gouged, scratched, pulled and pushed my way through a lot of fights in my life and I don't believe I ever lost one.

The point of all this personal history is that we are seeing Russia becoming a bully again. We need to make sure that Russia knows that we won't "fight fair" if they try to bully us. If we don't stand up to Russia and kick them in the nuts they will just keep on bullying and then we will have to pull out the broom handle. Now is the time to stop the Russian bully before he thinks he can just push his neighbors around without paying the consequences.



Blogger A-6Dude said...

Time to take them to the urinal!

4:37 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

The bottom of a slit trench would be better but I would settle for the urinal.

Did you watch the Saddleback Forum last night? Old John was full of piss and vinegar and beat the snot of Obama. I was proud of the old Flyboy.


5:01 PM  
Blogger A-6Dude said...

I didn't see it but I heard he did well.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Michael Hendry PhD said...

Yeah, we need international diplomacy conducted like children in a playground.

You are certainly a colossal ass-hole.

1:59 PM  

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